Category: Marriage (Page 4 of 4)

She’s Married!

August 15, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

Abigail and Joseph, picture by Katelyn Owens photography

I awoke on July 8 with the weight of the world on my shoulders yet great anticipation. Today would be one of the biggest day of our lives as we celebrated our daughter entering into married life. My daughter told me that all she asked is that I would not be sick or stressed on this momentous day. I took comfort in my usual morning routines of a quiet time with Jesus, some brain games, and a quick breakfast with my vitamins before preparing myself to go to the church. I loaded up the car with last minute supplies and prayed with my husband before I headed over to the venue across town.

Abbie had a detailed schedule of the day for all of the people involved in the wedding, and the schedule told me to arrive at 10:30am for hair and makeup. I am not a girly-girl by any stretch of the imagination but had researched hairstyles that complement my hair length and color. Lexie, our amazing hair stylist and one of Abbie’s childhood friends, worked wonders on my hair. Likewise, another one of Abbie’s childhood friends, Emily, brought out features in my face that I didn’t even know existed. We had many hours of preparation and relaxation before the ceremony.

The entire day passed by in a joyful blur of love, music, smiles, laughter, pride, tears, activity, embraces, pictures, fun, reunions, dancing, waiting, celebrating, and waving goodbye. I had asked my friends to pray that the triple digit temperatures would miraculously decrease, thinking that would ensure the day’s “success.” God taught me a valuable lesson by not lowering the temperatures but lowering all stress and tension instead.

For any mothers anticipating their daughter’s weddings, I have some tips of what worked well for us.

If financially possible, get a hotel room for the bride and her closest bridesmaids the night or two before the wedding. This gives them independence and a last chance for bonding and gives you much needed peace and rest.
Bring a wireless speaker to the room where the bride is getting ready and play her favorite Pandora station. Music can soothe nerves and promote joy. My daughter’s request was the John Mayer station.
Order deli trays from the local supermarket to have in the bride’s and groom’s dressing rooms around lunchtime if the ceremony isn’t until mid to late afternoon. If a friend offers to help, have them pick up the deli trays and even split them between the bride’s and groom’s rooms.
Bring a small assortment of childhood toys to the dressing room if there are children in the ceremony. We had Legos and Fisher Price toys, and they were not only beneficial to the flower girl and ring bearer but also to the children of the pastor and worship leaders, not to mention some of the adults with a childlike heart. My husband and I had so much fun playing with 3 delightful little girls during the sound check, and we found that it relaxed us and reminded us of precious time spent playing with our daughter.
Take fun and candid pictures during the day, but don’t get in the way of the official photographer.
Don’t insist on your own way. This is your daughter’s wedding. Being right isn’t worth more than your relationship with your daughter.
Enjoy yourself! This is a great day where you get to see many people you love. Let them know what they mean to you and how honored you are that they are in attendance.
Stand back and observe the precious moments of the day, and tuck those memories into your heart for days when you are missing your little girl.
With much love from the father and mother of the bride!

My Broken Wedding Vows

August 7, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

My husband and I had agreed to exchange cards instead of gifts for our 27th anniversary since our finances and time were being consumed by our only daughter’s wedding coming up eight days later. I pondered what deep words to inscribe into the card and decided to track down our wedding vows and copy those words as my message to him in the card. I searched through boxes and closets to locate the wedding memory album that contained the vows. I finally found the book in an obscure corner of a bookshelf and flipped to the proper page. Memories flooded my mind as I thought about the evening we composed our vows. Two 22-year-old children who didn’t have a clue of what the years would bring discussing and drafting what we thought marriage would look like. If I recall correctly, afterward we collaborated on drawing a mustache and horns on Susan Lucci on the cover of TV Guide. That shows how mature and ready for marriage we were. I was shocked at the idealistic words we came up with, which read,

“I commit my life to you before all these witnesses.

I will use all of my tomorrows to the best of my ability to share with you in responsibility of creating a Christian home, full of love and understanding.

I will encourage and support you through all times, both good and bad.

I promise to always respect you and your ideas, and to never put myself first, but to always build you up.

And I ask you to hold me accountable in keeping God the center of our marriage.

I will be the best mother than I can be to our children.

And I promise to be your best friend for the rest of my life.”

I’ve broken these vows! How many times in our marriage have I selfishly put my needs above his? Have I always been the encouragement and support I should have been? Have we been accountable to one another about keeping God the center of our marriage? Is our home full of understanding? I started to panic.

Then I reflected on what we had done right. We are still best friends, and we’ve devoted ourselves to raising the children we’d not yet met when we wrote these words into amazing adults.

One of those amazing adults lay sprawled across our bed chatting with me two days before her own wedding. She confided that she hadn’t finished writing her vows. Now that I knew where ours were located, I pulled the book out and showed her. Her eyebrows rose as she silently read the promises and she muttered under her breath, “That’s a lot!”

Marriage is an arduous journey, yet so rewarding. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’ve been so frustrated at times that I couldn’t see straight. I’ve wondered if we would beat the odds and keep our marriage together. Yet when I wake up early and watch my husband sleeping beside me, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I’m even more in love with him than the day we wrote the vows we’ve broken.

Confessions from the MOB

June 29, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

No, I haven’t joined organized crime. No, I am not part of an angry crowd. In nine short days, my only daughter is getting married, and I will be the Mother of the Bride.

Here are some observations I have about this time:

My emotions are constantly whirling…One minute I am so excited for the wedding and my daughter’s marriage and the next minute I can’t hold back the tears.

I really like hanging out with my daughter.

There are more expenses and decisions than I ever anticipated.

I can’t please all people at all times.

Planning can be a lot of fun.

I’m far more preoccupied with what I wear and how I will look than I thought I’d be.

Some of my suggestions are spot on, and some are really out of touch with the 21st century bride.

It’s not my wedding.

My daughter is going to be joined to someone else instead of us. Her name and address will change.

We do not need everything the bridal magazines suggest in order to get them married.

I have no control over the weather for the wedding.

Communication is key, and encouragement is vital.

It’s impossible to invite everyone that has been a part of Abbie and Joe’s lives.

I really miss my mom and wish I would have asked her all her secrets about wedding planning.

My hubby is a very sweet daddy when it comes to his little girl.

I really want to have a great time at this wedding.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep from crying on her big day.

I still think of Abbie as a little girl, but she has grown up to be an amazing and capable woman.

I’m really going to miss her.

It’s not about me.

The Race Set Before Me

May 8, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

I moved from California to Ohio between my freshman and sophomore years of high school and joined the cross country team to become involved in my new school. I had never been a fast runner, but in my unrealistic teenage thinking, my change of location would make me the fastest one on the team. I was the slowest member of the team, and I experienced significant knee pain. My high school cross country career ended after one season in 1983, and I never thought I’d run a race again.

One of our first races together!

My husband began running for exercise and recreation in the fall of 2009 when our children were in their senior year of high school. He enjoyed it, but I resented the time and money he spent on his new hobby. I had allowed the excuse of busyness and raising a family derail me from a regular exercise routine, and I had steadily put on nearly 80 pounds since my cross-country days. Running was the last thing on my mind or to-do list. Nearly three years later, when he couldn’t run a 5k for which he had registered, he asked me if I would walk it with him. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. In fact, as I approached the finish line, I joyfully broke out into a sprint over the finish line. I was hooked!

On my first solo run, I could only run one block before I had to stop and walk. I would head out a few days a week and increase my distance each time. I finally could start running 5k races. My husband was supportive, and it strengthened our marriage that we could share this hobby, even though he was much faster than I was. He began running half-marathons and even a full marathon, but I was content to jog no further than 3.1 miles.

After some severe health setbacks, I became determined to complete longer distances. My husband and I signed up to walk a half marathon as he recovered from injury and I recovered from illness. We crossed the finish line of the Running with the Bears half marathon in 4 hours and 23 minutes on August 15, 2015. Since then I’ve gone on to run a number of 10k races and 2 more half marathons.

Crossing the finish line of my first half-marathon!

Crossing the finish line of my second half-marathon exactly one year later. What a difference a year makes!

It isn’t easy to lace up my running shoes in the early morning when I’d rather be in my warm, comfortable bed, but I’ve never regretted the decision to exercise once I’m dressed and out on the road. I have dropped 60 pounds and gained great confidence. The stress melts away as my feet move to the beat of the worship music playing in my wireless headphones. I’ll never be the fastest, leanest runner of the pack, but I am faster and leaner than I used to be, and I am thankful to run the race set before me.

Pure joy on my face after shaving 33 minutes off my personal record for my half-marathon!

What Compels You?

April 18, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 2 Comments

I remember mornings as a young child. My mother would wake me up and tell me to prepare for the day ahead. Whether that was going to the beach or attending school, I wanted to please my mom, so I obeyed.

College was a new experience with nobody checking to make sure I was up and attending my classes. I soon learned that one of the main keys to an A or a B involved actually attending class. I made every effort to be at each class section because I was motivated by grades.

Within two years after college graduation, I brought my firstborn home from the hospital. His piercing cries in the night and complete dependence on me jolted me out of bed multiple times during the night and early in the morning. Less than 17 months later, his sister arrived, adding her voice and needs into the mix. The next 18 years with them were thousands of mornings of rising to tend to their needs and educate them. My love for my husband and children and desire to be a great wife and mom got me out of bed morning after morning.

Then, the children grew up and moved out on their own. They no longer needed me to take care of them. My husband remained home, but he is better at taking care of himself than I am. I floundered a bit, wondering what would excite me enough to pop out of bed with drive, energy, and purpose each day. I wrestled with my identity and significance as a person.

My son moved out over six years ago, and my daughter has been gone for over four years, and I’m just beginning to get a more focused picture of what the compelling force in my life needs to be. It can’t be based on shifting circumstances, but it needs to be based on the One who put the circumstances in my life and works all circumstances together for good.

The following verses have been rattling through my minds this week as I considered Christ’s death and Resurrection. “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15 NIV). If I am compelled by Christ’s love, I have eternal purpose and endless possibilities. Christ’s love compels me to get out of bed on Mondays to walk both physically and spiritually with other moms on the same journey and to visit a widow to compel her out of bed. Christ’s love compels me out of bed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays to be trained and to teach in Bible Study Fellowship. Christ’s love compels me out of bed on Thursdays for a standing coffee date with 10 other women who sharpen me and point me to Jesus, to visit a friend’s mother who no longer drives, and to tutor reading at the local elementary school. Christ’s love compels me out of bed on Fridays to mentor up to 30 moms in our church’s Moms group. Christ’s love compels me out of bed on the weekends to spend time with my favorite person on earth, my husband. Christ’s love compels me to share what He is teaching me with you.

What compels you?

A Different Kind of Easter

April 17, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

Our children up at Grandma Lu’s house on Easter, 1996.

It’s Easter afternoon, and just my husband and I are home. We did not have an egg hunt or a make your own pizza party as we have in years past. We gave the kids and significant others their Easter gifts in reusable bags on Tuesday when we met for lunch. We’ve napped on and off this afternoon. I am just beginning to smell a delicious glazed ham baking in the oven. It has been such a peaceful day, focusing on why we celebrate this holiday.

It may seem odd that we aren’t spending it with our children. For the first Easter in her life, our daughter does not live in the same town as we do. She and her fiance are involved in church activities, and school resumes after Spring Break tomorrow. They have enough going on in their lives without insistent parents demanding that they come up to visit for the second time in a week. Our son does live in town, but he is involved at his church and is a staff member in a college ministry. His day was busy, and hanging out with mom, dad, and the pets in his childhood home isn’t the most exciting way to spend Easter.

We could have driven the 90 miles up to my in-laws’ house in the rain, but my husband had a busy morning helping with children’s ministry at church. He ran sixteen miles yesterday, and I ran ten. Our bodies are tired. It feels so good to rest. Monday morning will start with a bang in just over 14 hours, and we are finding that our weeks run so much more smoothly if we have taken the time to fully decompress and prepare for the coming weeks on the weekends.

We do look forward to many special times spent with our children and the families they will create, but we have learned to choose our battles in parenting. whether our children are three years old or 23 years old. We treasure the memories we have of all the Easters we have spent together, but for today, it feels wonderful to put our feet up, savor the silence, and thank God for sending His Son to pay the penalty for our sins and triumph over death. Happy Resurrection Day to each of you, however you celebrate it!

Meal Planning

March 29, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 2 Comments

Dinner time has changed in the Clark house over the course of our 26 year marriage. It began with painful attempts on my part to cook and a stubborn refusal to accept my efficient husband’s suggestions for improvement. Then came the years of distracted dining with newborns, infants, and toddlers, as we went from spoon feeding our children to teaching them how to feed themselves. The longest era of Clark dinners were the busy ones carved out between children’s activities, full of chatter and family-friendly foods. Slowly, the times when all four of us could eat dinner began to diminish as our children obtained jobs and social lives away from our home. When both children moved away, I tended to still cook as they were home, leaving many leftovers of foods that weren’t nutritionally best for us. I definitely needed to change the way we planned for meals in our home

Now, each week, I print out a grocery shopping master checklist I developed on Microsoft Word, containing our favorite ingredients in the order we like to shop for them in the store. The different headings include: Produce, Meats, Cheeses, Refrigerated Items, Dairy. Frozen Foods, Canned and Bottled Goods, Dry Goods, Paper Products, Beverages, Breads, Toiletries, Cleaning Supplies, and Hardware. Then I determine how many dinners we will be eating at home as well as the staples we need for breakfasts and lunches.

During the past two years, I have worked to reduce fat, sugar, and carbohydrate intake while increasing protein for my husband and I. I have also been diagnosed with dairy and soy food sensitiviies . My favorite recipe websites are those that contain recipes submitted by other people just trying to put dinner on the table like I am. Reading reviews on each recipe from others who have attempted the recipe alerts me to any problematic elements of the recipes as well as tweaks I can make to enhance the flavor. I have also enjoyed those sites that allow searches based on either ingredient, length of preparation time, and health parameters (calories, amount of fat, grams of protein, and more). I love that all the nutritional values from these websites have already been entered into https://www.myfitnesspal.com/ so I can track my caloric intake and my nutritional value with the click of a button instead of painstakingly thumbing through calorie counting books every single ingredient as I remember my mother doing during many of my growing up years. My two favorite recipe websites that I use on a weekly basis are https://recipes.sparkpeople.com/ and http://allrecipes.com/ . I then print out the recipes and transfer the ingredients I don’t have to the shopping list.

As my husband and I sample each recipe, we evaluate it and decide whether we like to use this recipe again in the future. We also talk about changes that we would make. We have expanded our culinary horizons and discovered many new foods that we can enjoy together. What are your favorite recipe websites and ways to plan for dinners in your empty nest?

Bon Appetit!

Celebrating the Empty Nest

March 24, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 3 Comments

Almost everything I have read while anticipating and newly experiencing the empty nest defined it in negative terms. When Googling the empty nest, words surrounding it include syndrome, coping, grief, depression, loneliness, loss of purpose, worry, and stress. It sounded horrible and something to be avoided at all costs. I briefly debated between never allowing my children to leave and bracing myself for the onslaught of this dreaded affliction, but I knew I would be stifling my children if I didn’t allow them to experience the independence that they were designed to attain. The fact that children have the confidence and knowledge to move beyond the four walls of their childhood home is a testament to our success as parents.

I have found the empty nest to be a time of joy, freedom, and celebration. I am not lying awake, listening for the key in the front door in the wee hours of the morning. The clutter and laundry only belongs to my husband and I. When we get together with our children, it is because they want and choose to spend time with us. We love hearing tales of their new adult lives, and we have new tales to tell them as well. We have the freedom to travel without much forethought about logistics surrounding the children. We no longer have bathroom wars over anyone taking too long or leaving it in poor condition. My husband and I enjoy each other and the extra space.

While we will always miss our children and treasure the memories of the years they were under our roof, it’s time to take an optimistic look at a job well done in raising our children to successfully fly away from the nest.

What Next?

March 10, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

thinking women with question mark on white background

I have talked to hundreds of other women in my position, devoted stay-at-home mothers whose children are now confidently walking in adulthood. No matter the circumstances, every woman first question and concern is, “What Next?” Now that our time, energy, thoughts, and arms are much emptier than they once were, what should replace the gaping hole that exists where our children once occupied.

The answer to “What Next?” varies widely among women. Some begin a new career. Some travel. Some go back to school. Some focus on neglected marriages. Some volunteer. Some focus on long-lost hobbies and creative pursuits. Some become caretakers of their elderly parents or their young grandchildren. Some grow in their faith. Some get involved in addictive or destructive behavior. Some get in better physical shape than ever before. Some go to therapy to deal with unearthed pain from their past. Some sleep. Some spend extra time with friends. Some continue attempting to control their children with guilt and manipulation. Some try new activities to satisfy their bucket list. Some organize their homes. Some even downsize and move now that the home has less occupants. Some mourn. Some rejoice.

I have found that my new “empty nest, abundant life” consists of a unique combination of many of these activities. It has slowly changed over the past six years since my firstborn left the nest. I have pursued some paths with great success and some with dismal failure. I’m learning what works for me and my family and what doesn’t. I’m learning what drives me and what dries me up inside.

Once most of us reach the empty nest stage, we have lived more years on this earth than we have remaining. This gives me such a sense of urgency and purpose. How will I leave a mark on this world that remains long after I have departed from it?

What is next for you?