Category: Facing Fear (Page 4 of 5)

Peace

October 19, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

One of my favorite influences over my life is peace yet I often take it for granted until I feel the turbulence within my spirit that shows me that peace is not reigning in my life. Peace is defined as freedom from strife or dissension; the freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, and anxiety; stillness; tranquility; or a state of untroubledness. It cannot be achieved by rushing or striving, only by trust in my God who longs to guard my heart and my mind with His peace.

I’ve always believed that achievement was marked by activity and busyness, but I am learning that the achievement of peace is one of the greatest achievements of all. I need to train my mind to relax and move towards God’s peace instead of the clutteredness of the world. Peace will be a vital component of my fifties and beyond!

This post is part of a 31 Day Blogging Challenge entitled Embracing Fifty. Please click here to find all the posts in this series. You can find the work of more bloggers participating in this series here. You’ll be glad you did!

Lack of Control

October 13, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

I’ll admit that lack of control is a tough concept for me to embrace. I am a selfish and prideful woman and desire to be in charge. Yet when I do seize control, I make a mess of things. I need to accept that God had my life figured out before the foundation of the world, and His plans are infinitely better than my own.

I remember being in the throes of hard labor with my first child, attempting to breathe right and do everything according to my birth plan, and what was happening in real life looked nothing like what I had dreamed. I cried out to the nurse, “I feel so out of control,” and the nurse looked into my eyes and calmly replied, “Welcome to motherhood.”

I need to remember that even in the darkest days, God is trustworthy and is weaving each circumstance into a breathless tapestry. I only tend to look at the back side of his handiwork and see loose threads and wonder how that can be a thing of beauty. When I cease striving and allow God to have His way in my life, everything, while it may not be easy, goes so much better!

Worship

October 4, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 2 Comments

When I focus on myself, my life doesn’t go as well. I vacillate between two extremes: thinking pridefully of myself and the way I am handling life or getting down on myself and my lack of having “figured life out” yet. The very best way to keep this from happening is to look upward and focus on worshiping the One who made me, the One who knows everything about me and still loves me anyway. I’ve heard that worship is showing somebody’s worth, and nobody is worthy of all that I am than God.

When I focus on His attributes and character, I can’t help but feel joy bubbling up within me. Worship takes many forms at my house. Sometimes it’s quietly listening to music. Sometimes it’s writing down what I love and appreciate about God that day….I could spend the rest of my life writing and still barely scratch the surface of His substance and all that He is to me. Sometimes it’s singing at the top of my lungs in my car. The common component is taking the focus off myself and focusing on lifting God up to the place He rightfully deserves in my life and this world.

Prayer

October 3, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

I waste far too much time every day fretting about what I cannot control. I chew on each difficult circumstance in my mind wondering how I could manipulate it to work for me. A far better use of my energy and time is to hang out with God in extended prayer.

It still amazes me to no end that the God who created the universe longs to hear from me. When I start my day by worshiping him, confessing my struggles, thanking him for all he has given, and casting my cares upon Him, I can’t help but get up with a smile on my face. It’s a relief to know that the One with all the power listens to my prayers and will work all circumstances together for good.

An Uncertain Future

September 30, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 4 Comments

My husband and I married each other 27 years ago when he still had a year of college to go. We lived on just over $800 a month as he worked toward completing his degree in computer engineering. On the Friday before finals week, days after his 23rd birthday, he received a great job offer at a local company, which he promptly accepted. He worked hard, and they treated him well. As years working for the company turned into decades, we began to think that this may be the company he would work for until he retired. Over the years, the company went through a series of three buyouts. With each change came new procedures, less benefits, and more distance between upper management and the workers. It was frustrating for my husband, but he continued to work hard as a loyal employee. The salary, location, and job security fit in well with our family’s lifestyle.

Around noon on our last day of vacation a month ago, I received a text from a friend whose husband works with mine, “Hi, Julie. Have you heard any news today? Call me if you have. I just talked to my husband.” This immediately concerned me, but I wanted the two of us to enjoy our last day away so I texted her back, letting her know that we were out of the country and didn’t know anything. I watched my husband all afternoon for signs that he might know some information but didn’t want to bring up the subject. As we sat down to our final dinner of the trip, he said, “I have some news. The company is closing their west coast offices. If we don’t move to Florida, I won’t have a job after April.”

This news shocked and saddened us, causing us to contemplate our future. This job had been a major component of our lives longer than our children had! He had just celebrated 26 years with the company in May. We had just spent the week in high humidity and had agreed the day before that we would not thrive in a humid climate, so we quickly agreed that the move to Florida was not going to happen. This part of our lives was coming to an end, leaving us with dozens of questions and unknowns about the years to come.

We sat at that dinner table for well over an hour, talking about our next steps. We agreed to look at this change as an opportunity, not a catastrophe. It’s an opportunity for him to consider where he wants to spend his final years of work before retirement, an opportunity for me to emotionally support my husband more than ever, and an opportunity for us to grow in our relationship and in our faith in a God who keeps His promises.

I’m not going to lie. The last month has been rough. My husband has felt devalued by a company he devoted over half his life to serving, but I value him more than I ever have. We have no idea what our future looks like, where he’ll work, or how we’ll easily make it through the next months of an increasingly stressful, low morale work environment for him, but we do know that we will place our trust in God and continue to point one another to Him whenever concerns overwhelm us.

Pushing Past My Fears

September 27, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 3 Comments

I think I was born scared. My parents told me stories of my terror at my first Independence Day fireworks when I was less than 7 months old. I remember hiding under a blanket when the theme song to “I Dream of Jeannie” blared through the television, dreading the moment that the animated genie was sucked into the bottle. I was hesitant to ride a bike, jump in a pool, or call anyone on the phone. As I entered adolescence, I became preoccupied with my fear of other people’s opinions of me.

I let each fear and concern hold me back from taking risks or enjoying new activities. Then I became a mom. I delighted in my children’s new experiences and marveled at their bravery as they stepped into the unknown with more faith than fear.

As my children left the nest, I made the choice to push past fears. Instead of worrying what others thought or the worst case scenario, I would let my yes supersede my no. I had to remind myself that the chances of a mishap were small and that mishaps occurred even in everyday life. Sometimes I’d tremble and be close to tears but I’ve now driven an ATV, gone on a Segway tour, participated in 4 half marathons, rappelled into an underground cave, and zip lined. I have no idea what God has in store, but I plan to follow him boldly!

Confessions from the MOB

June 29, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

No, I haven’t joined organized crime. No, I am not part of an angry crowd. In nine short days, my only daughter is getting married, and I will be the Mother of the Bride.

Here are some observations I have about this time:

My emotions are constantly whirling…One minute I am so excited for the wedding and my daughter’s marriage and the next minute I can’t hold back the tears.

I really like hanging out with my daughter.

There are more expenses and decisions than I ever anticipated.

I can’t please all people at all times.

Planning can be a lot of fun.

I’m far more preoccupied with what I wear and how I will look than I thought I’d be.

Some of my suggestions are spot on, and some are really out of touch with the 21st century bride.

It’s not my wedding.

My daughter is going to be joined to someone else instead of us. Her name and address will change.

We do not need everything the bridal magazines suggest in order to get them married.

I have no control over the weather for the wedding.

Communication is key, and encouragement is vital.

It’s impossible to invite everyone that has been a part of Abbie and Joe’s lives.

I really miss my mom and wish I would have asked her all her secrets about wedding planning.

My hubby is a very sweet daddy when it comes to his little girl.

I really want to have a great time at this wedding.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep from crying on her big day.

I still think of Abbie as a little girl, but she has grown up to be an amazing and capable woman.

I’m really going to miss her.

It’s not about me.

Life is a Gift!

June 20, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

Today marks another anniversary that will always stick out in my mind. It may not sound like a positive experience, but it truly was a gift that redefined my life.

Three years ago today started as a fairly normal day with house chores, going out to lunch with a friend, then preparing to go to work. Then the day took a dramatic turn….I suddenly felt complete fatigue and collapsed on the coach. As the day progressed, so did my weakness, until I couldn’t move from the couch and I was struggling to swallow and breathe. It was frightening yet not totally unfamiliar. At the age of nineteen, I had been diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder called myasthenia gravis. I had experienced bouts of weakness over the past 25 years, but this one felt the most severe. My husband was immersed in a project with a swiftly impending deadline, so I didn’t want to bother him, but I knew that I needed more help than rest on a couch could provide.

A few hours later, due to an insistent phone call from our daughter, Darren took me to the emergency room, and I was admitted to the neuro ICU and hooked up to a number of machines, especially one to help me breathe. Once I was settled there, Darren needed to go home and finish the project. I was still fully conscious, and my thoughts were beeping and whirring around in my head much like the machines that surrounded me. How had my life changed so profoundly in the course of a few hours? I’d always thought of the Intensive Care Unit as a place where people don’t often exit alive. Was the end of my time on earth near for me?

As I lay alone, I heard an electronic melody and immediately identified it as “Brahm’s Lullaby,” a song my mother had sung to me as a child. Was Mom sending me a message from heaven, calling me to join her? I later found out that the hospital PA system plays the song each time a baby is born in the maternity unit!

I reflected on my life…I had graduated both high school and college, married the love of my life, experienced motherhood with both a son and a daughter, and watched those two children graduate from both high school and college. Would this be the complete experience of my life? How would people remember me? I still had so much more I wanted to do with my life!

I received the blessing of a second chance. I stayed five days in the hospital before gaining enough strength to be released. The summer of 2014 was a limited one, spent mostly in a wheelchair at my dining room table with my Bible and a journal. I memorized the book of Philippians and found out just how much God loved me. He loved me so much that He didn’t want me living an over-stuffed, stressful life but instead one filled with purpose and love.

Three years later, I am in the best condition of my life–both physically and emotionally. Each day is a challenge to see just how many people I can make a difference with, care for, and love. I know firsthand that tomorrow is not assured, so I choose to live each day like it is the most precious gift that I could ever receive.

A Goodbye Said Too Soon

June 19, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 2 Comments

My Amazing Mom, LuAnn February 4, 1943-June 19, 2004

A girl will always need her mother, whether she is nine years old or forty-nine years old or even eighty-nine years old. I didn’t realize the truth of this statement until it was too late…..

So many of my earliest memories are of times spent with my mother. She taught me so many lessons through the way she acted and how she treated other people. Despite a difficult upbringing and unhappy marriage to my father, she remained positive and made it her goal to give us a better life than she had experienced. I am her youngest child, born when my mom was twenty-four years old. My sister was already approaching her 5th birthday by the time I arrived, so I had many hours of one on one time with her when my sister began elementary school. My mom and I shared a love of cats, chocolate, and the beach.

As I entered my teens, I became so determined to establish my independence from her. I regret that so much now. She loved me when I was quite unlovable. She retired to help plan my wedding and never complained as I squeezed her hand through each contraction of my two labors. She doted on my two children, calling them her “doll babies,” I knew she was always as close as the other end of the phone line.

Shortly after her 60th birthday, she began experiencing tremors in her hands. She kept this information to herself at first but then decided to seek medical attention to identify the cause. I was so wrapped up in my life as a homeschooling mother that I didn’t pay much attention until the day my husband came home from work early and wanted to speak with me privately. He compassionately told me that my mom had called him at work to tell him the diagnosis…cancer with metastasis to the brain. I listened in shock but then needed to spring into action as I accompanied her to many appointments and tests and helped her communicate this news to others.

The next year was a rough one as I watched her health decline even though she was fighting the disease so hard through radiation and chemotherapy. She didn’t want to leave us, but I felt her slipping away…..

During her final weeks, I would travel to her house for half of every week to take care of her. Even though it was so hard to leave my husband and children, I cherished the time with her. She could still talk and laugh and enjoy the Krispy Kreme doughnuts I would bring each time. Every day, I would sob in the shower so nobody else could hear.

One Saturday in June, my husband, twelve-year-old son, and myself picked up my ten-year-old daughter from camp close to my mom’s house and made a planned visit so Abbie could tell her Grandma Lu all about camp and my family could have a chance to see my mom. We spent a couple of fun hours together as Abbie sang camp songs and I attended to Mom’s needs. My sister and her husband were also coming for a visit that day as well. It was rare that we were all together since my sister and I were “tag team caregivers.” Mom was still fully alert but so physically weak that her legs crumbled beneath her and she scraped her leg, requiring medical attention. The ambulance arrived, and Mom calmly told the EMTs all the proper dosages of her current medications. Mom’s male companion, Jimmy, rode with her in the ambulance while my sister and her husband and my family and I followed in our own cars, fully expecting that Mom would be released after receiving stitches.

My mom lost consciousness in the ambulance and never regained it. After the medical personnel performed CPR on her for a while, we made the difficult decision to have them stop in accordance with Mom’s wishes. She died 13 years ago today.

So many times since that day I’ve reached for the phone to tell Mom some important news or to ask her a question, only to realize she can no longer answer. My absence remains an ache in my heart, but I have chosen to follow her example of optimism. Every day I do something that would make her proud. She will never truly be gone as long as her memory and lessons live on in those she loved.

I will never forget you, Mom!

The Race Set Before Me

May 8, 2017 / juliesc@pacbell.net / 0 Comments

I moved from California to Ohio between my freshman and sophomore years of high school and joined the cross country team to become involved in my new school. I had never been a fast runner, but in my unrealistic teenage thinking, my change of location would make me the fastest one on the team. I was the slowest member of the team, and I experienced significant knee pain. My high school cross country career ended after one season in 1983, and I never thought I’d run a race again.

One of our first races together!

My husband began running for exercise and recreation in the fall of 2009 when our children were in their senior year of high school. He enjoyed it, but I resented the time and money he spent on his new hobby. I had allowed the excuse of busyness and raising a family derail me from a regular exercise routine, and I had steadily put on nearly 80 pounds since my cross-country days. Running was the last thing on my mind or to-do list. Nearly three years later, when he couldn’t run a 5k for which he had registered, he asked me if I would walk it with him. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. In fact, as I approached the finish line, I joyfully broke out into a sprint over the finish line. I was hooked!

On my first solo run, I could only run one block before I had to stop and walk. I would head out a few days a week and increase my distance each time. I finally could start running 5k races. My husband was supportive, and it strengthened our marriage that we could share this hobby, even though he was much faster than I was. He began running half-marathons and even a full marathon, but I was content to jog no further than 3.1 miles.

After some severe health setbacks, I became determined to complete longer distances. My husband and I signed up to walk a half marathon as he recovered from injury and I recovered from illness. We crossed the finish line of the Running with the Bears half marathon in 4 hours and 23 minutes on August 15, 2015. Since then I’ve gone on to run a number of 10k races and 2 more half marathons.

Crossing the finish line of my first half-marathon!

Crossing the finish line of my second half-marathon exactly one year later. What a difference a year makes!

It isn’t easy to lace up my running shoes in the early morning when I’d rather be in my warm, comfortable bed, but I’ve never regretted the decision to exercise once I’m dressed and out on the road. I have dropped 60 pounds and gained great confidence. The stress melts away as my feet move to the beat of the worship music playing in my wireless headphones. I’ll never be the fastest, leanest runner of the pack, but I am faster and leaner than I used to be, and I am thankful to run the race set before me.

Pure joy on my face after shaving 33 minutes off my personal record for my half-marathon!